Isn’t it amazing how people change. I can remember times when I’ve run into old friends after a few years of not seeing each other and things have changed. Our friendship is somewhat awkward and we don’t click the same way we used to. They may look the same on the outside but they are different on the inside.
I’ve been looking at myself recently and realized that I’ve changed. Of course I’ve noticed the changes throughout my time at Iliff, but the amount of change has hit me a lot recently. I’ve been struggling with questions of the future and struggling to let go of things from my past that used to mean so much to me; to let go of my past self and my past beliefs. I think I’ve come to a moment in life when I am tired of trying to figure out how to make something work, when it is no longer working for me. There is pain in letting go though; in letting go of something that is sacred. There is fear in stepping out into something that is not defined, that is continually shifting and changing.
I haven’t wrote on here in a long time. As I read through old posts I could see the change staring me in the face. I used to describe myself as a woman of God. Jesus was the most important thing in my life, because Jesus was my salvation. My blog posts testified to my beliefs; my beliefs in a God who was all powerful and all loving. My beliefs in a God who had a future all planned out for me and a God who would always protect and provide; a God who was full of enough grace for those who would come to Him.
How things change. How painful it is to let go of things that were once sacred.
It seems like I’ve been talking about this a lot lately in my life. Where do I experience the sacred? I no longer experience the sacred in scriptures, that book has changed for me, or on Sunday mornings singing praise and worship songs, I don’t know if God cares if we sing praises to her? Perhaps she does, but thats not where I experience the sacred.
I’m realizing that the sacred is no longer in the church for me. The sacred is out on the streets. Its out where people are fighting against systems, groups, individuals, ideologies which are oppressive, unjust, and hateful. The sacred to me is in community actions, that do not say one day, one day God will make all of your pain go away, but they say today, today we will act with you to fight against those who cause pain. The sacred is in realizing that this world is messed up and that power is an ugly thing when it is used to abuse rather than to empower. No I don’t think that God cares if we sing songs of worship to her. I think that God cares or I think that the sacredness of the humanity in all of us cares if we join together, not in worship but in action.
How people change and how old things must pass.
I remember watching my fellow camp staff and campers last summer sing praise and worship songs around a camp fire; as I watched I became sad. I was sad not because I wished I could worship like they did, but I was sad because I had lost something and had not found anything to replace it with. I was sad because they had a way to experience the sacred in their lives and I was still searching or still holding on to something that was just not going to work. I think I’m ready to let the grieving end though and let my past ways of communioning with the sacred die. I am no longer that person and I can no longer experience the sacred in that way and will no longer grieve that loss.
“I am where I need to be. Everything around me includes and hides the sacred.” ––– Mary Mrozowski
